Morals. Or a lack thereof

I find I’m in a constant state of confusion. I’m either thinking of myself as a conformist or as a hypocrite. I thought I had relatively clear-cut morals but nowadays, as they’re constantly so wishy-washy, what good are they? I thought I’d done enough self-exploration (so far) to know my limits. Apparently not. My stances on things are forever changing and if it were due to my becoming more learned, that would be a different case. But nope. I’ve noticed, as things become more acceptable, I become more open to them. Being very honest, I was pretty disappointed about this revelation about myself. I’d like to think it’s my mind expanding to the enormous scape that is the world but I don’t want to give myself excuses. I’ve never been strongly opinionated but this is a whole other level of being a pussy. I’ve tried to curb this bad attitude but frankly I’ve got so much else to do that self-development isn’t really high priority right now. I mean, I don’t beat myself up about it, since I’m still young, I’m constantly changing and not completely self-assured.
So, I’ve decided to give up on good and evil, for behaviorism (what up, Hannibal reference). No, not behaviorism actually. But I’ve decided to at least not proclaim that I’m either strongly for or against anything. Except very clearly wrong things like murder, abuse, racism etc. So I won’t feel like some sort of hypocrite if I switch sides on an issue, or decide to pick a side. Therefore, nothing will be in black and white, just in a sort of division between dark grey and light grey. At least for now. While I’m too busy with my overly spectacular life to think too hard.

Much love!

Kindly Ditch My Stereotype

Hi.

I have come to realize that we, or at least I, am trapped by what my friends perceive me as. Not people in general, friends. I came to this conclusion during one of my thinky sessions about why I resent the company of my friends sometimes. As it turns out, it’s the stereotypes, otherwise known as ‘familiarity’.

As a human, I am subject to change. Unfortunately, I find I’ve been labeled with the same descriptions over and over. I don’t know if it’s my fault. It might be, I know that. Nothing I am dealing with now can be solely blamed on someone else. If I’m unconsciously sabotaging myself by acting in a certain way that yields certain results, it would not be surprising. I irritate myself at times when I act in the exact way I despise but it’s a reflex action I can not control unless I’m consciously trying. Or if I have a list detailing what people should think of me stuck on my forehead, and sometimes this seems entirely plausible, someone needs to rewrite that list. Or if everyone just doesn’t understand that they may not know me that well. This seems like the best option.

Therefore, let this be a public service announcement to all. I am quiet and comfortable in that fact but not every slightly outgoing thing I do means I’m ‘coming out of my shell’ or putting on some ‘good girl gone bad’ gimmick. Anyone still clinging to the ‘oh yeah she’s so shy!’ should be aware right now of how outdated they are, and how exhausted I am to still be putting up with it. I most definitely know myself more than you know me.

But it isn’t just about the quiet thing, though many will still involuntarily think of it as my dominant feature. It’s… hard to explain, it’s a certain kind of condescending attitude, I think. I think people just feel better about themselves around me by reflexively putting me down. Because they can feel better than me. It’s a pretty bad thing to do to someone. I am not the bottom of the rung people.

But I try not to take it personally by being neither hostile, nor a doormat. Everyone around me is changing too, this is a trying time in my life as well as others. Just adapt, people, and I’ll adapt too and be open to whoever it is you’re becoming.

……

‘This is from a few months ago, but I never finished the post. Finally have!'”

“Love makes you a liar.”
Disclaimer: that’s from TMI:City of Ashes as well as many other lurvveeee novels I’m guessing.
A lot of quotes stick with me and I elaborate on them in my head. Or sometimes I don’t elaborate but I refer to them when I’m feeling in a philosophical mood. Anyway, as I stumbled on this yesterday (as I was casually reading city of ashes at 3am, RIP my sleep schedule). And what better place to share my thoughts on it than my very own blog that’s all about me, me, me and what I think, yada, yada, yada.
Now, I haven’t ever been been in love. Like romantic, sexy, lovey love. But I’ve read so many books and watched so many movies that I’m pretty certain I know what I’m talking about (right?) 😉
I can totally picture love making me a liar. It’s that instinct to protect, I imagine. Love seems like such a strange thing. It makes you do all these bad things that suddenly seem okay if you say it’s in the name of love. I don’t think love would make me a liar. I’m a liar, period. Not in the name of love but in the name of life.
You see, that could be why I’m quite anxious to experience l’amour. Not because I need a guy or whatever, I’m honestly just curious to see if I can actually shape myself to include someone else on such a personal level. Plus I wan to see if I change. Maybe I could be a liar in the name of love.