Kindly Ditch My Stereotype

Hi.

I have come to realize that we, or at least I, am trapped by what my friends perceive me as. Not people in general, friends. I came to this conclusion during one of my thinky sessions about why I resent the company of my friends sometimes. As it turns out, it’s the stereotypes, otherwise known as ‘familiarity’.

As a human, I am subject to change. Unfortunately, I find I’ve been labeled with the same descriptions over and over. I don’t know if it’s my fault. It might be, I know that. Nothing I am dealing with now can be solely blamed on someone else. If I’m unconsciously sabotaging myself by acting in a certain way that yields certain results, it would not be surprising. I irritate myself at times when I act in the exact way I despise but it’s a reflex action I can not control unless I’m consciously trying. Or if I have a list detailing what people should think of me stuck on my forehead, and sometimes this seems entirely plausible, someone needs to rewrite that list. Or if everyone just doesn’t understand that they may not know me that well. This seems like the best option.

Therefore, let this be a public service announcement to all. I am quiet and comfortable in that fact but not every slightly outgoing thing I do means I’m ‘coming out of my shell’ or putting on some ‘good girl gone bad’ gimmick. Anyone still clinging to the ‘oh yeah she’s so shy!’ should be aware right now of how outdated they are, and how exhausted I am to still be putting up with it. I most definitely know myself more than you know me.

But it isn’t just about the quiet thing, though many will still involuntarily think of it as my dominant feature. It’s… hard to explain, it’s a certain kind of condescending attitude, I think. I think people just feel better about themselves around me by reflexively putting me down. Because they can feel better than me. It’s a pretty bad thing to do to someone. I am not the bottom of the rung people.

But I try not to take it personally by being neither hostile, nor a doormat. Everyone around me is changing too, this is a trying time in my life as well as others. Just adapt, people, and I’ll adapt too and be open to whoever it is you’re becoming.

Reasons why I am single Pt 1

Hiya.
I have mixed feelings about this post because as much as I want to do it, I got this concept from YouTube and I guess these kind of ideas belong on YouTube vlogs and channels rather than on a writer’s blog. But I’ll try to tackle it to the best of my expressive abilities. Also, I guess some people would see it as superficial because in a way, I’m putting this emphasis on relationships (dating) being super important and necessary and that, in a perfect world, I shouldn’t be single. And probably the most glaring factor of all, I’m a youngster (pardon the weird term). I’m not even legal yet so what could I really know about relationships right? Wrong. I’ll talk about it anyway.
Putting all these factors aside, I was browsing and watched someone’s ‘why I’m single’ vlog and though she didn’t really say anything that resonated with me, at the end she recommended that we (the internet at large) actually think about it, that we might be surprised by what actually comes up. So I thought. And my reasons were actually making sense. To me anyway. And I don’t mean reasons I voluntarily state out of relationships, it’s more why they don’t happen in the first place lol.
Anywayyysss, enough rambling, down to business.

1. My world is looks first, personality wayyyyy later. For the better part of my teenage life, I’ve only been exposed to relationships (dating, I feel I need to clarify) where the main factor of whether you like someone has a lot to do with their appearance. As shallow as it may sound, that’s how the relationships I know well were born out of. And for whatever reason, these relationships kinda worked. It’s only when I came to the UK that I saw that this whole ‘getting to know you’ and ‘friends first’ thing wasn’t just out of the movies. People here legit have to know you first before dating ensues. It’s just seems like the most tiring thing ever. I mean, if I went home (country-wise) right now, I could go to the mall and have a boyfriend in under an hour.

2.I am not expressive. This is something I am muchos certain of, my friends can testify to that with words like quiet, shy (I really hate that word btw), shy, shy coming up again and again. Frankly, I don’t think I’m shy, that is a really wrong word to describe me. I was shy when I was 12, 13. I haven’t been shy in years, I just don’t feel the need to proclaim my presence in every room I enter. But people interpret it as shyness so whatever. But, that aside, I’m not very vocally..eloquent? I’m very talkative on paper and I can ramble on but in person not so much. I feel I unintentionally switch to a different person incapable of holding a long conversation. I find that in my everyday life, what I say doesn’t really translate to who I feel I am inside, that I subconsciously adopt this pretty basic persona. So I don’t know how good a girlfriend I could be if I rather we dated through text messaging.

3. I hate commitment. I really detest them, it’s so irrational. I don’t mean the concept of committing to one person exclusively and not cheating and shit. I’m perfectly fine with that, I’m not especially promiscuous. It’s more, the whole obligation of it. It’s like, I’d want to be with someone exclusively because I wanted to and not because of this whole concept of ‘welcome to your relationship. If you want to stay in it, these are the rules. Don’t fucking break them.’ I don’t want to feel like I have to, so don’t act like my parole officer. It’s the same way I detest the fact that I have to love my family members (bit of an extreme example). It’s a weird thing to hate but I can’t help it. But I don’t see it as my inner ‘rebel’ talking, cause I don’t think I’m a rebellious person. So I can’t really explain that.

So. There will most likely be a part two because I’m not anywhere near done. The more I think about it, the more reasons I drudge up actually.
Much love!