Becoming cynical and feeling toxic

(Spoiler alert: this is a real Debbie downer post. As is expected).
Finally.
I am practically chaining myself to my chair to post this. That is how much I’ve been out of the mood of posting. It’s not like I haven’t been inspired lately (come on, I just started my Uni adventure. Inspiration should be rampant) or that I’ve been that busy. I could have made it work if I tried. But I don’t feel like trying. I’ve been without that zeal and excitement that usually has to kick in before I can write a banging post. I think it’s because I was counting on that zeal completely overtaking me as soon as I began this new chapter. I wasn’t counting on being…disappointed? Not necessarily, that’s a bit too harsh. I just haven’t been having the time of my life. I’ve slipped so easily into my new routine that it’s had very little impact on me overall.
You’ll have to pardon my excessive use of movie quotes in my posts but this is really just my mood right now.

“(laughs) oh Nicky. It’s just…well you see, I think everything’s terrible anyhow. I’ve been everywhere and seen everything and done everything. I’ve had a very bad time, Nicky. I’m pretty cynical about everything.” – Daisy Buchanan, The Great Gatsby (movie version).

That’s just it. Exactly it. I mean, I haven’t seen everything and done everything but I’ve had all these dumb but sentimental teenage experiences that should have given me a good time but I’ve been disappointed for most of them. I have had a very bad time. Not a bad lot in life (I’m very blessed and I don’t deny it) but I’ve had a lot of let down expectations. I probably hyped myself too much about this but I thought that this new chapter would set my life ablaze and now that it hasn’t, I’m getting very sullen and bitter. Everything’s looking terrible and even though they were long before this, I’m becoming tres pessimistic about new experiences and how they’re fucking great and healthy for you. They’ve been toxic for me so far. And no one better tell me that this is a reality check because everyone around me seems to be having a grand old time and that’s their reality, right? Oops, I fear I’m becoming a grouchy old woman who’ll yell at people on the street being remotely happy.

But don’t be put down by my sullen mood. I’m sure everyone’s life will turn out to be fucking great and new experiences are totally awesome (no, not really).

Mucho love! Ish.

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